Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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