I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
