btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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