she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
