sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
