Someone shit on the floor
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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