I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
