Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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