i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
