I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
