I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
