Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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