Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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