I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
