The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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