Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
