I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
