Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
