Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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