Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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