I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
