apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
