Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
