he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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