just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
