I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
