just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
