so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
What a dumb baby whore.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
