Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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