I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
...so i touched it.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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