i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
