I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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