If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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