That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
