A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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