my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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