She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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