I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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