hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize