tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
