I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
