i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
