Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
