oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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