hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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