highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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