I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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