I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
