Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
