I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
