I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize