this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
