if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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