I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
