the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
