Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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