gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
