she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
