I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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