So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize