Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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