I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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