barbara walters just said penis...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
