Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
