And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
