I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
